Waiting in the Empty

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Marcus Buckingham notes that your strengths are not simply what you’re good at and your weaknesses are not simply what you’re bad at. You will have some activities in your life that you might even be pretty effective at doing, but they drain you… A weakness is any activity that leaves you feeling weaker after you do it. It doesn’t matter how good you are at it, or how much money you make doing it – if doing it drains you of energy, you’d be crazy to build your career around it. 

~ John Ortberg, ‘All the Places to Go’

Right. So I should give up this whole ‘being a mother’ thing? Actually, maybe I should give up the being ill thing. I know I’d love to give up the PTSD thing. That’d be great.

In plain English, what a load of bollocks. The rest of the book has been quite good, though, so maybe Ortberg is going somewhere with it. I’m just rather discouraged today, because I feel like whatever I do as a mother is never enough and this stupid illness prevents me from doing so much. I have one child who has anxiety about the fact that things change (bless his dear, serious, innocent face) and there’s no way I can negotiate that one, other than to repeatedly offer the same reassurance. Such is autism. Another child treats everywhere she goes as a litter bin, and seems to think it’s amusing. She’s a happy-go-lucky little soul, but there are limits to how much go-luckying a mother can take.

Then there’s the other daughter who, in teenage angst, actually walked out of the house yesterday and disappeared for several hours, to the point that I was driving around looking for her and trying not to imagine all the awful scenarios that play out in a mother’s mind. I can’t even tell myself that those sorts of horrible things ‘happen to other people’ because they have already happened to us. There is no magic cloak of protection. When I eventually saw her, she just seemed so small.

So today will be a day of praying, because sometimes sadness is a blessing in disguise. It makes us lean right into Him. And maybe that’s where we’re supposed to be, because God is always good – and that is the message of the gospel. Thank God.

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